I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
