when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
