so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
