I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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