There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I puked a lego.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
