After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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