It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
