PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
