i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
