I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
