Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
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