I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
