fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
