The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
