i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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