I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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