I met the friendliest cop last night
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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