I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
