i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
