I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
