what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
