i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
