i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
