I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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