I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
