oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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