I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
