yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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