My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
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Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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