theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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