I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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