I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Pooping to opera.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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