a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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