hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
