you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Randomize
