dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize
