I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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