What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
