I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
