i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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