This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
