party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
