Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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