What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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