Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
