My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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