you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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