i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
