Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
