Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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