sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
