Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
