I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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