I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
