Im at strip club and am horny
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
