I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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